A Fresh Start

Writing again after so many months.

So, lots of things had happened. Ups and down. Good and bad. Laugh and tears. From having a job to unemployed. From having a good friend to lost that person. And along with that journey, what makes me sad is, somehow I lost myself.

I mean, I was trying my best find out what was it? How could that happen? I even try to make it right. Not really succeed and eventually, for the 1st time in life, I became a bitter person. Feels like I hate everything and everyone. And I hated myself for that. It was tiring, exhausting. I can’t stand it anymore.

Luckily,  these past few days (and for the next few days) my cell phone is dead. It suddenly died one night and when I took it the repairman, they need to replace one of its spare parts which will take some time. This situation really gives me time to think and talk to myself. A serious conversation I believe. And I decided to let it go. I need to stop fixing things. Sometimes it just meant to be broken. I need to stop hoping that my friendship with that person will be okay. It takes two to tango. No matter how hard I try if no response, so what’s the use? Sometimes, there are people who just not meant to stay for a long time in my life.

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As said in above picture, I’m on a journey to detox all negativity in me. I need to cut that infection in my wounded heart before it spread and killing me softly. I need to stop myself from turning into someone I don’t even like. I can’t and surely don’t have the right to change others. But I definitely can change myself.

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And you… if you never heard anything again from me again, it simply because I don’t want us to hurt each other in any possible way. It’s better to remember you as a sweet memory, a smile from the past rather than to talk to you as a stranger. Be happy always.

 

Love,

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A Story of Lost

I was about to go when I read the message. A short-shocking message from my best friend.

Ndah Ayah gw meninggal.

or if you translated into English, it says ‘Nda, my dad is past away. I can’t believe what I just read. It was like a dream. A few week before, when we met on my B’day, I asked about him and my friend said that he’s okay. In fact, things are getting better. And we’re not just talking about her father’s health. I was happy to hear that. Really happy.

So when I red the message, I froze. I didn’t know what to do. Not until my mom asked me to calm down. There I was. Sitting and doing nothing for a while.

Long story short… I came after class. Another good friend from campus accompanied me to her place. She burst into tear the moment I hug her. There we stand, in the middle of her living room, hugging each other. She cried. I didn’t. But my heart hurts. Then I went to her family room, I hugged her younger sister. She cried and asked me to forgive her dad in case her father ever hurt me with her words. She cried. I didn’t. But my heart still hurt.Last stop was the kitchen, where Umi (my best friend’s mom) sat and with other woman circling her.  I reach her hand, hugged her. This time, I felt something in my eyes.

That night, while my best friend and her sister told me about how their dad died, my memories were wondering around. Almost every corner of this house brought different memory. There supposed to be a bed in front of the cupboard in the family room. On that bed, Ayah (that’s how I called him) told me a story about his work when he was young. There was a hidden message in that story. He wanted me and my best friend to search for  a man who has a strong beliefs in Allah, God the Almighty. ‘Don’t choose a man just because he’s handsome or have money only.’ he told me that.

When I sat in the living room, where I can see the porch, I remember how he used to ask me sit with him on bale (like a bench made from bamboo) and tell me about his hope upon his kids. Each one of them. Including me, although I’m not his daughter. Every time I move my head, I suddenly remember the conversation we had. My heart hurts even more but somehow my tears were to stubborn to fall down.

We always have that small talk every time I come over to thisdeath house. I never know why he did that. I never ask either. And now I don’t have a chance to ask him why. Some part of me regret it. I wish, I had the courage back then before it’s all too late.

There was a time when my best friend thanked me because  I always have this patience to hear all of her dad’s story, to all of his advice.I always telling her the same thing. Her dad filled this one hole inside my heart. A hole which appear when my own dad decided to leave. I’m the one who should thanked him.

Thank you, Ayah. For treating me like your own daughter. For trusting me with your stories. For helping a part of me making peace with my heart.

I really gonna miss our small talk.

15/366: We’re Not Afraid

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Another new day.

A brand new day.

People are back to their activities. Kids in school, adults at work. We’re doing our task like nothing happened. Not because we don’t care of what happened yesterday.

We do care. A lot.

We just want them, terrorists to see that what ever they did yesterday, didn’t break us. We’re stand still, hand in hand, doing our best to help and take care each other.

We want them to see, that our smile is bigger and wider than our fear.

A Country Celebration

Today supposed to be a special day for us, here at work. It suppose to be an event called ‘COUNTRY CELEBRATION’

BUT unfortunately due the chaos situation around Jakarta, it was postponed. This celebration turned into an ‘ordinary’ buffet lunch. I was thinking (before I decided to write this) whether to post this or not. Is it wise to post this FUN moment while my city mourning?

I think again, and I decided to post it anyway. A FUN day we had even there’s a slight of fear in our heart.

 

Hey terrorist or who ever you are behind today’s chaos. You may take away our freedom since lots of us can’t go anywhere today. BUT you can never take away our right to smile, to have fun, to be HAPPY.

 

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14/366: Jakarta Attack (again?!)

I never imagine to have a Scary Thursday like this. This morning every thing seems normal just like any other morning.

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I was in 7th floor for meeting when suddenly my cell phone buzzing like crazy. Turned out that a lot of news with pictures (not a good one) about this bombing and shooting around Thamrin.

Another bombing episodes. What make it even worst, people said that it’s not only bombing but there are also men whose shooting innocent people on street. I still don’t know exactly how many people injured or even died. Some said 4 some said more. It doesn’t matter how big or small the number is. It’s still cruel and mean and heartless.

People said that it was ISIS while another people said that it’s just a diversion issue as today is the deadline for Freeport. It doesn’t matter. What matter the most is that no one have right to take other people life like this. I believe that not a single religion in this earth ever taught us to kill people. I know my religion never teach me that.

Here at work, things seems okay. We are working like usual but if you see or listen carefully, you will notice that most of our mobile desk -which placed near the window- are empty. Most of the owner are moving to another desk, avoiding windows. You know, in case things get worse and reach my office. Most of the expat are on the phone, explaining -maybe to their family and friends from their hometown- that they are okay. Explaining them how’s the situation in Jakarta. Our pantry filled with people. Not only for lunch, but with those who want to watch tv, seeking for more information from news. Our praying room is full. Seems that people takes more time to pray than yesterday. Things are not pretty same.

I’ve called my mom. Telling her that I’m okay. That I will stay in the office. All night if its necessary. I mean, I wont go out until I know for sure that it will be save. She asked me to be careful and pray alot. She said that she’ll pray for me and for my entire office.

I will pray too. Not only for me, my office or my country only. I will pray for all people around the globe. May you will never what we feel today. May you will save, where ever you are.